In this entry: job blues, bravery, stupidity, writing insecurities, Alyza
What I’d really like to say is I’m scared. I’ve been searching for jobs for a month now, and it seems that I can’t find a job that I like. I want to work as a writer, but if that can’t happen, I want to have any job in television, newspaper, magazines, music, fashion, art, and travel. I don’t care if it’s an administrative job, I just want to be in the industry that interests me. I don’t want to work for insurance companies or other boring companies.
What I’d really like to say is I’m stupid. I’m stupid for rejecting that job offer. My would be boss seemed nice, and she liked the way I wrote, and my job had some writing duties. I rejected it because I got an email from a broadcasting company saying they wanted to talk to me about job opportunities in Las Vegas. I wasn’t sure if I’ll get that job, and up to now I’m still waiting for them to call me, which they said they will this week. I traded a job for an unsure opportunity, and I thought I was brave. I guess with great bravery comes great stupidity. I still think that we should choose to be brave though, because the alternative of settling for something you don’t want is equally stupid. But I guess it’s just annoying to discover that the brave choice was also stupid. It’s like those game shows where you have to pick the right door. If you don’t pick, you won’t get a prize, and it will be extremely stupid if you just run away from the game show refusing to pick. When you do pick, you can either get the prize or not, but it’s really annoying if you get nothing.
What I’d really want to say is that I’m not sure if I’m a good writer. My spelling is bad. Sometimes my sentences are too long. Sometimes I make errors like mixing up its and it’s. I know the difference, but sometimes I don’t notice these errors, so I guess I should revise like a lot. I like revising, but sometimes when you read something over and over again, your brain goes on auto-correct, and you don’t realize that you corrected the error in your head, but not on your computer.
What I’d really want to say is I just want to be great, and honest, and brave, and true. I want to show the world who I am. I want to be confident. I want to be free from shyness. I want to be successful.
What I’d really want to say is I wish I could write more poetically. I wish I had more profound thoughts. My language is plain and simple, and in a way I like it, but sometimes I envy poets. I envy my writer/ artist friend Alyza who can write really beautiful poems. I used to think I could write poems until I took poetry classes. My poetry classes are still my favorite classes in college, but now that I know what poetry is, I’m not sure if I can write such things, or if I even want to. I also like this kind of style, just straightforward and honest. I did learn a lot from those poetry classes, and I do apply the techniques I’ve learned in my stories and my other pieces. Will I ever write a real poem?
What I’d really want to say is I wish I were as passionate about writing as Alyza is about her writing and her painting. She is a medical student, but she finds time to write and draw. She was published in magazines and in Heights. I was really passionate when I was a kid, but I lost it in college. I blame accounting. A subject such as that can really suck the life out of anybody. I think I am regaining my passion these days. I am really proud that I started this blog. In the past, I wouldn’t have been brave enough to let other people read what I have written. I have only been brave enough to publish one essay in the Philippine Daily Inquirer and some articles in The Guidon. I should send my stuff out more. My problem is finishing my pieces. I have so many writing ideas lined up; it’s crazy. Sometimes I work on this project, then abandon it, then work on another project, then start a new one.
I am thinking about publishing the parts of my current piece here in my blog. I will publish it in parts, so that I feel committed to finish the essay. The essay is now 30 pages and I’m still not finished. I want to really finish my story. I sent them to my friends and professors asking them to give me comments. My friend Alyza gave me really good comments and I plan to revise my story. I have to finish it. I have to.
What I’d really want to say is I want to say something from my gut. I want to reveal something, but I do not know what to say anymore. I guess my censor is still blocking my thoughts. I want to really express. I want to “open a vein” and really write from the heart. I will. I know I will. I am recovering. I am writing, and I am letting the world see my writing, in all its imperfections, with the hope that I will improve.
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Age of the Diary by Jasmine T. Cruz. If you like this post, please subscribe to this blog. Follow Ja on Twitter: ageofthediary. Email Ja at: email@example.com.