Writing Exercise Instructions: “Describe how and what you are feeling right now…physically, emotionally, psychologically. Write about anything and everything that comes to your mind.”–The Right to Write, Julia Cameron.
In this entry: Tagalog, walking, looking outside the window, childhood daydreams
Physically I feel okay. I was able to do my crunches and it was easy. No judgment. I had to write that phrase because I know I’m going to post this in my “serious blog” and I can feel the stress creeping on my back. I have to keep on writing and keep on focusing on other things, so I won’t remember to be scared.
Taglish vs English
I am finding it hard to keep on writing in straight English now. I know I can. My diary entries are mostly in straight English, but I don’t know why today I have flashes of namans and other Tagalog words.
Back when I was in the Philippines, I’d often speak Taglish, which is a mix of English and Tagalog. I have to make an effort to speak in straight English. I can’t even speak in straight Tagalog. It always has to be mixed. I’m not like weird or anything because almost all Filipinos speak this way.
Actually, I shouldn’t refer to my language as Tagalog. The proper term for it is Filipino, but most people call it Tagalog. In the past, there was no Filipino language, but there were many dialects in the Philippines.
Former Filipino President Manuel Quezon decided to create a national language, which was supposed to be a mixture of all the similar words found in different dialects.
Somehow the Tagalog dialect dominated the mixture. Quezon spoke Tagalog. Wonder if it’s just a coincidence? I guess that’s why other Filipinos who speak other dialects resent the national language and prefer to speak in their dialect.
My love for walking
Today Tita Delit brought me to a store where you can buy plants. We walked around looking at the green bushes and flowers. We did that for like thirty minutes, so it’s a good walk.
Ma and I used to walk a lot back in the Philippines. I remember that when I was in grade five, my friends and I were fighting a lot. I was really depressed. The only thing that got me through it was walking with my mom.
I really like walking. It’s a full body exercise, but you’re not stressed and sweaty. You look at the houses, the trees. Everything is moving past you.
I like looking at things that are moving. That’s why I like staring out of a window of a moving vehicle. I like to watch the colors blur as the car I’m in speeds through everything. I especially like the windows of buses because I’m elevated, and I see everything.
If I stare outside the window for a long time, I don’t see what’s outside the window anymore. I begin to enter into my mind and my daydreams. I remember when I was a kid, I was staring outside the school bus. The bus stopped, and I kept on staring. The bus conductor was like “Uy, bahay mo na ito.” I was looking right at my house, but I didn’t even know it. It was kind of embarrassing.
1. The Floating Pillow Daydream
I would walk to school while my head was slumped on the floating pillow, and it would magically bring me to school.
2. Friendly Lion Daydream
I’d have a pet lion, and I’d sleep on its back as it brings me to school. I was a pretty sleep deprived kid, don’t you think? My school bus picked me up at 4:30am or 5:00am. Everyday.
3.Band on the Bus Daydream
I wanted to be a member of a band that performed inside the school bus. My daydream school bus wasn’t an ordinary one. It was like a hotel. There were rooms where people can sleep (again with the sleep thing).
There’s a stage where my band performs. Around the stage are round tables with nice white tablecloths like the ones rich people have during their house parties.
My band members were my best friend Lara, my crush Matthew, and my stuffed toy Teddy Buzzy Bear Cruz. Teddy was a really good guitar player. I was the lead singer. I forgot what the others did.
4. Garbage Truck Underwater Village Daydream
My other childhood daydream was about a garbage truck. It didn’t have garbage though. Inside the truck was an underwater village. I remember I’d be in scuba gear. I would approach a door. It would open. Inside was another door. The first door would close. The water would be drained, then I’ll enter the second door. The second door was the real entrance to the house.
I’m okay I guess. I’m getting used to the fact that I’m already in the U.S. This is the biggest thing that I’ve ever done in my life, but somehow it feels the same. Thank God for facebook, ym, and skype or else I’ll be really sad about leaving my friends and family. I mean, of course it is still sad, but at least I get to talk to them.
I want to do something brave. I want to do something more. What that is, I don’t know. I guess I just have to let life take me wherever I should be. I can never know where I should go, so I should just keep moving. Starting this blog is one step.
So now the psychological part. How can one differentiate between psychological and emotional? Aren’t human beings thinker-feelers? Well, so far I feel sane. I only get paranoid when I watch Criminal Minds, and I’m like shit there’s an unsub!
So I guess that’s it. Physical: check. Emotional: check. Psychological: check. I am happy. I am content, but I need something more. I have to find it. I have to keep on looking. I have to find what I love. I have to chase my dreams.
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