New MMDA Job Post: Taga-Gulat ng Umiihi

Metropolitan Manila Development Authority (MMDA)

A promising career awaits you at the MMDA,
Matapat Marangal Disiplinado Ako!

Public Urination Officers

National Capital Reg–Guadalupe, Makati City

The MMDA has been dedicated to cleaning up the streets, which includes discouraging the unsanitary practice of public urination. We have created pink urinals in order to dissuade men from bathing the Manila walls with their personal tinkles.

Despite this new system, many are still peeing on walls, trees, shrubs, etc. As a logical extension of the pink urinals system, the MMDA has decided to appoint public urination officers who will shout out and poke out the violators of the law.

The MMDA recognizes that in order to create an egalitarian society, we must take a tougher stance against public urination. There is a wide gender-based discrepancy when it comes to the violators of the anti-public urination law. Most of these violators are men who can easily unzip and whiz upon any wall. Women usually give up public urination at an early age of 6 to 8 years old, but men do not let age get in the way of peeing in public.

The MMDA must put a stop to this, and if you believe that you are the perfect candidate for this job, you are welcome to send your application.

Responsibilities:

  • Will be tasked to authoritatively poke a public urinator’s waist and scare him with a resounding HOY!
  • Specialize in the research, creation, and implementation of effective fright-based disincentives against public urination
  • Will be tasked to manage, promote, direct, plan, and coordinate activities to achieve urine-free streets

Requirements:

  • Candidate must possess at least a Bachelor’s/College Degree
  • Candidate must have previous experiences showing a firm belief in the ethical, social, and political value of the anti-public urination law
  • At least 2 years experience related to public-urination prevention, whether it be through neighborhood campaigns, participation in the creation of Bawal Umihi Dito signs, and other urine-related activism
  • Dedicated to regular vocal exercises effectively developing a commanding voice that can elicit traumatizing fright
  • Dedicated to regular finger-muscle exercises in order to have a set of speedy taga-gulat fingers that can create a sudden jolt upon contact
  • Can handle violent reactions from bladder-challenged violators and can stand his or her ground in the face of adversity

Notes:

[1] I wrote this because when I was going home, I saw a guy urinating on a bush right in front of our gate. I actually had the crazy urge to poke him in the waist and say HOY! 

[2] This is a parody, not an actual job post, so don’t take it seriously.

[3] Matapat, Marangal, Disiplinado Ako = I am honest, I have integrity, and I am disciplined.

[4] Bawal Umihi Dito = You are not allowed to urinate in this area.

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2 thoughts on “New MMDA Job Post: Taga-Gulat ng Umiihi

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