Why Can’t I Accept the Fact that I Didn’t Love Him?

“Why can’t I accept the fact that I didn’t love him?” I saw this line in my diary, and at this point, I am happy to report that I am over the whole thing. I still remember though what made me write that question. I had broken up with a guy I dated, and he was the first guy that I dated for a period of time.

Before him, I went out with a guy on one date, and I fell in love with a guy who didn’t like me. So this guy, let’s call him Charles. Charles was technically the first guy I ever had. I was attracted to him and he was attracted to me and I thought that was it, we’d magically fall in love, and yebah it’s happily ever after. How naive.

Later on I realized I liked him but I didn’t love him, and still even after I broke up with him, I couldn’t accept that I didn’t love him. Why? What in tarnation got me into this illogical frame of mind? I felt ashamed that I “failed”. I failed to reach the ideal of marrying the first boy that I liked. It also doesn’t help that my friends who are in relationships with their first boyfriends, will probably end up marrying those lucky boys.

If you don’t hit it right the first time, or if you make “too many” mistakes, then there’s already something wrong with you. But when women are careful at choosing, men get angry for being rejected, and they call these women “frigid prudes”. We never win.

More Love. That’s it:

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Note: For some entries in this blog, a few names and details have been deliberately and willingly changed by the author. This is a personal decision made by the author for specific reasons known to her and is not an endorsement for censorship.

All the opinions expressed in this page and in this blog are my own and do not represent the official stances of the companies, institutions, and organizations that I am affiliated with.

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