Read in My Diary: What I really want to say is (Part 2)

Here’s an old entry from my diary:

Writing instructions: complete the phrase “What I’d really like to say is…” (The Right to Write by Julia Cameron)

What I really want to say is I’m scared. I’ve been working as a writer for two years, and I am afraid I am burnt out, and I don’t know how to recover. I do not know how to write free. What I really want to say is there are so many things that I need to write and I always don’t have enough time to write.

What I really want to say is, this blog was once a space where I was free, but I stupidly gave my boss the address to this blog, and now I am scared to speak my mind here because she might use it against me (and because she already did it once). What I really want to say is, I want to start a new blog, but I don’t want to because I don’t want to abandon this one, because I’ve worked so hard building this blog. The new blog will have everything I’m scared about saying, but it might be filled with a lot of trash talk, and I don’t think it is emotionally healthy for me to build a space devoted to negativity.

What I really want to say is I want to learn how to trust myself. I am tired of fucking myself up with so many doubts and worries. I want to be confident, and I don’t deserve to be presented as shit. I am not shit. I know I am smart and talented, and I don’t deserve to treat myself otherwise.

What I really want to say is I don’t know how to prioritize. I have so many distractions. I don’t know if I’ll get to finish writing everything that I need to write and doing everything that I need to do.

What I really want to say is, I haven’t talked enough about my desire to want to trust myself. I am tired of all this self-hate. I am tired of all these doubts. They really expend your energy for nothing.

What I really want to say is I want to be secure not just for me but for others. I’ve experienced how insecure people tend to hurt other people, and I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to hurt other people because I’ve experienced being hurt, and I don’t want that to happen to other people.

What I really want to say is actually my life is going great. I have new loves. I am learning how to compose on the piano. I have just gone on a trip to Tuguegarao, Peñablanca, and Santa Ana. It’s the first trip that I planned myself. I am so proud that I researched all the important information and was able to book all the hotels and stuff, and the trip went on smoothly. Sure, there were surprises, but we got to adjust. I am proud that I got to do that.

I am excited about my writing workshop. Although only a few people attend, at least there are people who do.

It’s really just me that’s the problem. It’s really just the drama that my mind cooks up. There’s nothing wrong with my life, yet there’s something wrong with my mindset. I have garnered the bad habit of seeing the negative side of life, and I want to change. I want to change. I want to change. How? How will I do this? Is it even possible? Will I succeed?

More Writing Exercises and Adventures:

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Note: For some entries in this blog, a few names and details have been deliberately and willingly changed by the author. This is a personal decision made by the author for specific reasons known to her and is not an endorsement for censorship.

All the opinions expressed in this page and in this blog are my own and do not represent the official stances of the companies, institutions, and organizations that I am affiliated with. I am a person. I’m not just a manifestation of corporate interests. I have an identity that is separate from those companies and other entities because even if human beings are paid for a service by corporations, human beings are not owned by corporations.

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