Dear me: tell me what you want, what you really really want

So far in my life I’ve been lucky. Whenever I want something, I just work hard, and after some time of doing that, I often get what I want. So getting what I want is not the problem; the problem is realizing what I want, and the even harder one, the deciding on what I want.

My mom says that I shouldn’t think about that anymore. She says, wants change over time, so I should just focus on what I currently want, and once I am tired of that, move on to the next. My other friend tells me I don’t have to think of every commitment as something that lasts forever. Can’t they be commitments as of right now that are up for review in the next couple of months or the next year?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy being a freelance art writer. So why am I even asking myself about what I really want? Don’t I want this? Isn’t this it?

I’m starting to think that I have a problem with commitment. I am so afraid of committing to something and getting stuck in it, and not having the courage to get out of it, when time and time and again I have proven to myself that I am brave enough to make the hard choices. So even if I’m happy, the threat of permanence is frightening for me. I have become a runaway bride who is always ready with her rubber shoes. How do I deal with being comfortable, with settling into something stable, with wanting to stay?

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