I think I’m a pretty honest person. Part of it is because I’m a really bad liar so I don’t even try. It’s not in my nature to spread false rumors or cheat people. I also think that honesty is the reason why my personal essays are strong. I am quick to admit my imperfections. I can admonish myself with extreme accuracy. These moments are ripe with humor and truth, and that’s why I’ll always want them in my writing arsenal. Things are different though when it comes to telling people that they’ve hurt me.
In these instances, I don’t have to lie to be dishonest, all I have to do is hide. Hide my true feelings. Be polite. Be nice Ja. These days though bitchy Ja is struggling to come out, and sometimes I feel like I would like to acquaint more people to bitchy Ja, the people who deserve it of course.
I am tired of being nice, and, to tell you the truth, I am not just nice. Nice Ja is true but she’s not the whole truth. There’s bitchy Ja. There’s vulnerable Ja. They form a team. Ok, it’s like Inside Out. You get it.
But I’m scared of the other Ja’s. I’m scared of being seen as out of control, as immature, as evil. Bitchy Ja is powerful and she is a hella frightening. She has an ally though, and that is the growing desire that I don’t want to be bullied anymore, I don’t want to smile at an asshole, I don’t want to be just nice.
So little by little, I am calling people out for their behavior toward me, I am telling them what I didn’t appreciate, I am expressing my feelings about what they said and what they did. I don’t want to be scared about making mistakes; I want to trust my feelings because most of the time they will point me to what I know to be true. If I make mistakes, I trust that I will learn from them and grow as a person.
Little by little, I am standing up for myself. Little by little, I am showing the world the complexities of who I am. I am determined to be honest or die trying.
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