Why are my achievements not part of my happy list?

In my post Couldn’t think of a list of happy momentsI talked about how I had a hard time coming up with happy memories, which I felt were completely different from the easy task of listing down activities that make me happy. In that post, I said I was ruling out my moments of achievement because I did not want to create a list that just pumped up my arrogance. I also said that I will make exceptions if those moments truly made me happy, but if not, sayonara.

After reflecting about it though, I began questioning this self-imposed rule. If my achievements don’t make me happy, then why am I devoting so much time in the pursuit of them? Do I have wrong priorities, or have I just been not appreciating my achievements?

The latter is completely possible because every time I achieve something, I’ll feel a second of happiness and then I’ll be overwhelmed by a number of negative emotions. I can either feel scared of failing to fulfill expectations, unworthy of the recognition I received, pressured to outdo myself after, and other things that I shouldn’t be feeling because I should just be fuckin’ happy.

I also thought that maybe it’s not because my mind is not trained to conjure happy memories, but maybe it’s that I’ve placed such a high bar on what memory deserves to be on my happy list. True to my perfectionist form, I’ve ruled out my moments of achievement because none of them will ever be good enough. My god, it’s exhausting to be like this.

More Happiness and Inspiration:

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Note: For some entries in this blog, a few names and details have been deliberately and willingly changed by the author. This is a personal decision made by the author for specific reasons known to her and is not an endorsement for censorship.

All the opinions expressed in this page and in this blog are my own and do not represent the official stances of the companies, institutions, and organizations that I am affiliated with. I am a person. I’m not just a manifestation of corporate interests. I have an identity that is separate from my company because even if human beings are paid for a service by corporations, human beings are not owned by corporations. 


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