I find comfort in the thought that, for the next few years, I’m never gonna get love right. Comfort? What??!! Let me explain.
Back when I was in an all girls school, which was when I was in grade 3 until high school, I didn’t care about boys. When I reached grade 6, girls my age were having crushes on our school’s first influx of male teachers (prior to this, only females were allowed to teach in our school). Those male teachers were ugly, but they were the only men in campus. I didn’t go gaga for these uglies, and I truly did not understand the giggly hysteria that surrounded them. What I missed out on though is the chance to learn how to talk to men like them.
When I reached high school, girls my age gained access to a commuter’s pass, and thus they were able to go to the McDonalds near our school or to the next school which had boys. I don’t remember if I ever applied for a commuter’s pass, but if I did, I bet I only used it to go home. I’d often skip soirees, and I didn’t talk to the boys in my school bus because they smelled bad. The other girls though were making an effort to meet these guys and understand how to interact with them.
I know that I am currently paying for my lack of interest and thus lack of experience. This is why I think that I’m never gonna get love right anytime soon, but that’s okay. Accepting this is comforting, especially for an overachiever like me. I’m the go for gold kind of person, I got A’s in school, and I’m addicted to success. It is no wonder that I am not even at the grade 1 level of love, yet I expect to be valedictorian. Now it’s time to be more realistic and recalibrate my expectations.
I did enjoy my time of not caring about men, and I don’t think a woman’s entire life should be built around that preoccupation. But I am also ready to share some parts of my life with someone, and I am willing to learn how to build a relationship. The path to that though will be an obstacle course as I’ll still be learning how to manage my emotions, learning how to build friendships with men, and understanding unspoken rules. My naivete and inexperience can lead me to be utterly humiliated, make mistakes, to be rejected, and even be fooled. But I hope that I’ll learn, I hope that I’ll grow, and I hope that I’ll love.
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