I don’t think I wrote this for anyone in particular. I like the rebelling from god concept. I like the melody of this song but I wish I pronounced the words more clearly.
In my post If I Were to Create Feminist Art, I talked about making a video on street harassers and a performance art piece involving a full-body chastity armor. Now I have another idea, and I call it the Women’s Anger Room. Women’s anger is often dismissed or seen as a reason to castigate her or label her as “crazy”. I would like to create a space that will allow women to express their anger and compel men to listen.
So I’m in my second semester already, and I’m trying to create a more systematic way of studying, and also make studying more enjoyable given my knowledge about my geeky ways. At first I decided to block off hours for studying. But the thought of reading for several hours straight seems so tedious and boring. I mean, I love reading, but as I said in my other post, I’m a book slut. So I like jumping from one book to the next. Maybe this is a manifestation of the millenial short-attention span. There are times that I can stay with a book for a long time, but that’s for books that I read on my own time. I enjoy reading the stuff for class, but I also know that I’m not reading it to enjoy it, but I’m reading it to study it. So the need to commit things to memory, to understand things deeply, to analyze things–that entails work, and so it’s a tougher task than simply reading for fun.
I remember particularly liking this song. It’s one of the first if not the actual first fast song that I’ve ever written. Teenage years are really confusing and I think I capture the way I used to deal with those things–romanticize them and try to celebrate them. There’s also a touch of humor. Hmmm…why don’t I do that anymore? Why am I so obsessed with stability and certainty?
I don’t mind my singing here. It’s a bit nasal, but I kinda like the stylistic singing at the beginning.
I do not remember why I wrote this song. I was already in college by this time, and I remember I did have crushes but I don’t remember that they ever lied to me or misled me. However, this theme of love misleading me or a loved one lying to me are common themes in my early songs. As to why I wrote about that, I don’t really know. I guess I was just very dramatic when I was younger. I don’t like the nasal quality of my singing here but trip ko yung pagka-emotional ko. Feel na feel.
In my zine, How Not to Fail in Life Even If You’ve Succeeded in School (for honor students who are deathly afraid of failing in life), which I sold at a BLTX (two years ago, I think?), I talked about the time when I thought that compliments were insults. I was working as an art journalist and people would go up to me and tell me that they liked what I wrote. These people were usually those who were from the gallery or museum that exhibited the artist that I wrote about or sometimes it was the artists himself or herself who said nice things to me. This should be a good thing, right? Of course not! I was so insecure that I would think that either they just said that to be nice but they didn’t really mean it, they were saying that to suck up to me because they want me to write about them again, but sometimes I also thought that they were actually insulting me. Like, yeah, maganda yung sinulat mo, psych! Like Regina George who says she loves your skirt, where did you get it, when she actually means that it’s the ugliest fucking skirt she’s ever seen.
According to my song diary entry, this song was composed during our Filipino class because our teacher kept saying the same things over and over. The original title of the song was “Redundant” and I keep it in the title because I have another song that’s also titled “Confusion”. The reason why I changed the title from”Redundant” to “Confusion” is because after writing the song I realized that the verses didn’t convey the idea of redundancy. In fact, it’s only the bridge that does that. The reason for this is though the song was inspired by the feelings of frustration brought about by the boring and redundant lecture of my teacher, the song is not about her. It started from that experience and then later on it morphed into something else. I caution anyone that listens to this song as I scream-sing the bridge, so using earphones might not be a good idea.