I actually don’t like CCTV cameras. I think they are problematic. But anyway, when I passed by a CCTV camera recently, I suddenly thought about dancing in front of it. This is because I’ve been thinking about artist’s dates, which is a concept from Julia Cameron’s book The Artist’s Way. It is where you allot a few hours a week to doing something creative. You’re supposed to do it alone, but I thought I wouldn’t have the guts to dance in front of a CCTV camera. It’s not so much that I feel ashamed that the people reviewing or monitoring the CCTV camera will think of me, but it’s more like the passersby who will see me dancing in front of the CCTV camera. So if ever I would do it, I would do it with a group. That seems fun. To have a crew of fun people going to different CCTV cameras and dancing their hearts out.
I’m taking this yoga class that’s very cheap. When the session was over, I saw that our teacher got into her car and drove away. During that session there were only two people in the class. I thought, no way is this job financially sustaining the teacher so much so that she is able to afford a car so is this job just her hobby? Ang swerte naman ng mga mayayaman who can have hobby jobs.
When men say they became feminist because they have a daughter, it’s usually a red flag. Why is it that the daughter is the only girl or woman in his life that made him realize this? Hadn’t he met women and girls before his daughter? Also, is it because his daughter is his property, an extension of his biology, that makes the daughter so compelling for protection.
Here’s me with an interesting idea: For many sexual harassers, we apply the court rule of innocent until proven guilty. What if we changed that? I’m not saying that they should be guilty until proven innocent because that would be unfair. But what about this: not exonerated just because you haven’t been caught yet?
Writing has always been an outlet for me ever since I was eleven. I started as a diary writer, then went to write songs, poems, and fiction. This reservoir of creativity came to rescue me from the experience of sexual harassment and all the pain and injustice that emerged from and surrounded that. I don’t know if I would have been able to survive without this body of work. These pieces are my lifeline. I am sharing this with the hope that it can be a lifeline for other survivors as well.
As I worked on this collection, I realized that some of my pieces that are not about my harassment seemed to echo concepts related to this issue. These pieces were feminist critiques of a world that limits women, and I feel that this is a world that creates environments conducive for abuse.
Tackling these feminist issues is also my way of creating an alternative explanation to why this painful experience happened to me. I have blamed myself, not for the stereotypical things like what I was wearing, but for things like seeming weak, being nice, trusting the wrong person, and having low self esteem—having such weaknesses made me think that they were the reasons why the abuser targeted me, because she thinks she’s better than me, because she thinks I’m small, because she thinks I’m not important. However, with the context of feminist issues, I can remind myself that it’s not my vulnerability that is to blame, but at fault is a system that doesn’t protect the vulnerable from abuse or help them seek justice and healing after the abuse.
I also included other pieces that weren’t about my harassment or about feminist issues, but they conveyed an emotion that I could relate to as a survivor of sexual harassment.
To counteract my tendency to belittle myself, I have also decided to add pieces that I feel explains why I was able to gain courage to do things to fight for justice for me and for a safer world. I hope that those pieces will inspire other survivors and advocates to continue their commitment to the cause.
With this collection, I reassert my existence, something that some people desperately want to erase. Maybe this insistence on my existence can lead to being heard, and being heard will make my story continue to haunt those who needs to be haunted by the fact that I exist.
Age of the Diary 
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